All Our Losses

The First Grief
by Daniel Ridgeway Knight

These covid-19 weeks are filled with loss for many, and with that loss often comes unrecognized grief. Grief is typically thought of in the death of a loved one, yet there are losses of many kinds. While some losses are, indeed, losing loved ones during this period (some covid-19 related, some not; my own dad died a little over a month ago), other losses come to mind--loss of a job, loss of opportunity, loss of routine, loss of familiarity, loss of human touch, loss of relationships, loss of identity whether through job or family. These aren't trivial losses, and grief more often than not will accompany them. For a great number of people, children as well as adults, multiple losses are compounding their experience.

It's important to recognize that each loss can give rise to grief. As I talked with someone yesterday, she told me that her friend is experiencing a compounding of loss right now, and is very troubled in spirit, listless, lethargic, with a deep gnawing vagueness, and yet she can't put her finger on exactly why she is so downcast in her soul. This is the experience of grief.

All of these loss experiences are separation losses. What is loved has been lost. It hurts to be separated from what and whom we love. The more we've loved, the greater the grief in losing it or being separated from it. We may not know exactly what we're feeling and why, but we know that something just is not right. 

During these difficult and fatiguing days, let us care for one another, being tenderhearted and compassionate toward one another, and bearing one another's burdens. There may be many family, friends, and neighbors who are grieving losses, even though they may not realize it. Maybe they just need a listening ear, someone to care and acknowledge that they have lost something or someone they love deeply.

While there is hope in our current situation (for we all hope to go back to how things were), there will necessarily be a new normal to get accustomed to. Some of our losses will be restored. Some will not. Some cannot. One of God's good graces has been more time for contemplation. Now is a good time to contemplate what lies beyond. What if our loss isn't restored or at best is limited? What replaces it?

I had earlier recommended All Our Losses, All Our Griefs by Mitchell and Anderson, a book that was required reading in my counseling program. I recommend it again if you are feeling rather ambivalent and downcast in your soul, or if you know someone who is, and they don't really know why. Acknowledging grief is the first step to healing. I've given several of these books to friends myself.

All Our Losses was a healing balm to my own soul when I read it a couple of years ago. I had been grieving a loss for several years, but didn't realize why so much seemed so shadowy and nebulous. It was grief, gnawing grief that wouldn't let go. God used this book to free me and give me hope. 

image ~ Wikimedia Commons

1892, public domain

From the Book Shelf ~ Loss and Grief

A required reading in a biblical counseling Bereavement course that I'm taking this month is All Our Losses All Our Griefs by Kenneth Mitchell and Herbert Anderson. It's one of those books that I wish I had read many years ago. It would have saved me a lot of bewilderment in my grief. I had a significant loss in the past, but I didn't recognize my feelings as grief, and it took me many years to move on. Had I recognized it for what it was, the time of grieving could have been lessened.

The book considers six types of losses that have significant influence on our lives: loss of relationship, material loss, functional loss, loss of social/familial role, systemic loss (loss of that part someone plays in a group rather than the person himself), and intrapsychic loss (death of a hope/dream/purpose/perception of oneself).

All of these losses cause us to grieve to some extent, some more than others. Grief can take on a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, or isolation and can be a sense of loss of self. Recognizing our feelings as grief is essential to being able to move forward. The authors also make the point that administration of calming medication tends to suppress the pain and its necessary expression, which often results in longer, more intense grief. The sooner grieving can begin, the less intense and lengthy it may be.

The authors emphasize the personal ministry of caring, that the Christian community is the primary source of comfort as they care for the grievers. Significant loss can often cause us to question God's goodness in our suffering, and those who come alongside, through their benevolence and words of care, bring comfort and acknowledgement of the faithfulness and goodness of God that brings hope to the bereaved to move forward in life.

Some of the book goes into some psychological explanations of the origin of loss and grief that may not be necessary to understand or agree with; however, the book has great value beyond that, and I highly recommend it. You may find yourself somewhere in the book as I did. I've ordered three more copies for family members. I know it will help them to understand their feelings a little more and strengthen their faith when they face their own times of significant loss.