I've been thinking and praying the past few weeks about what God would have me do about something that's been on my heart for awhile. I took a step into it yesterday, and it seems to be a positive move forward. Not all of my steps turn out positively, though. Some do not move forward at all. And some have tended to bring doubt and misgivings about God's leading, because some of my 'urgings' (aka ideas) just lead to nowhere or turn out disastrously. I've at times thought that there must be something wrong with my spirituality, my connection with God, that I couldn't discern His will. There were times when this inability paralyzed me into doing nothing at all. I so very much wanted to be in the center of His perfect will. How more spiritual than that could I possibly be? Nothing else would do. I sincerely believed that all I wanted in my life was doing whatever God wanted, and without full assurance of that, I was not to take another step. "When in doubt, don't."
I've realized over time, though, that what I really wanted was to be all-knowing, not full of doubt. I've since accepted that that's one of God's attributes, and is not communicable to me. It's not one that I can strive after. It is His alone. There are some things that He simply is not telling me, for whatever purpose there might be.
It was spiritually and emotionally freeing when I realized that more than being fearful of missing God's will in a matter, I was fearful of making a mistake, fearful of failure, fearful of where my failure might lead me. What I was doing was living my life in fear rather than in robust faith.
I've learned that being in God's will is not really about the doing. It's not about knowing what I should do every step along the way, although seeking wisdom in decisions is always prudent. God's will is rather about my being as decisions are made. Not what does God want me to do? But who does God want me to be? It's possible to make what seems to be the best choice in a decision, but if that decision is made out of fear or avoidance, what glory does that bring to God?
It's not about making better decisions, but about who I am becoming in whatever decision is made. The doing is often ambiguous. The being is clearly shown in God's Word. I am to be conformed to the image of Christ, transformed into His likeness, becoming like Him. A life lived in trust, knowing that in all my decisions, whether perfect or not, God will work them for good according to His purpose. And often in making a poor decision, I've learned much more about His love and care through its consequences. He is my provider, my sustainer, my sufficiency. He leads me in the paths of righteousness.
Yes, it's more than a little prudent to make wise decisions. Our decisions move us along a path through life.
But sometimes the poor decision can turn out to be the richer decision.
Image ~ Destiny, John William Waterhouse, 1900
public domain via Wikimedia Commons
