The book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs came up in conversation yesterday, and I recalled this review that my daughter Elizabeth, who is a certified NANC biblical counselor, had written on the book. I'd like to share it with you today.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage" -- "Making Marriage Work" -- "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." A walk through the bookstore attests to the fact that couples are searching for answers. Everyone wants to know how to "find fantastic intimacy," how to have lasting happiness, how to experience fulfillment in their relationship. Wending one's way through the mess of relationship books can be confusing and frustrating.
That’s why I want to point you towards one resource that is actually worth your time and money. It’s Emerson Eggerichs' Love & Respect. While you may at first raise your eyebrows at his claim to have “the simple secret to a better marriage,” his message is valuable and thoroughly biblical. The entire book is structured around a single biblical principle found in Ephesians 5:33, a principle which he calls “the Love and Respect Connection: Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love — ad nauseam.” While the book does have its weaknesses (we’ll talk about those a little later), I am convinced that if couples read and diligently apply the principles Eggerichs promotes, they will have a better marriage. This is because when we commit to doing things God’s way — regardless of how we feel, regardless of what pop psychology may promote — life works. When I commit to respecting my husband as God commands, I make it easier for him to love me. When my husband commits to loving me as God commands, he makes it easier for me to respect him. It’s that simple.
I do caution you on one particular weakness that I find in the book. Throughout his teaching, he uses the language of “need” — “A wife has one driving need — to feel loved. … A husband has one driving need—to feel respected.” While it is true that each of us strongly desire these things, and while it is true that God desires us to give each other these things, they are not “needs.” Needs are something we cannot live without. Needs lead to demands, to “rights.” None of us, biblically, can demand love or respect from another. Christ Himself did not demand respect, but suffered through much rejection. Therefore, I always encourage readers of this book to substitute the words “strong desire” in their minds whenever Eggerichs uses the word “need.”
In spite of this weakness, there are many valuable truths and application points in this book. Get it, study it, and apply it. Go to the website and download the video conference (love and respect downloads) My church went through the conference together on Sunday evenings, and it was a wonderful time of challenge and enrichment. Pay special attention to perhaps the most important chapter in all of Eggerichs’ teaching: chapter 23, “The real reason to love and respect.” As Eggerichs states, “unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded.” This is a biblical promise.
I do want to say that if your marriage is in serious trouble — you consistently have arguments you cannot reconcile between the two of you, you are living distant and separate lives, you contemplate the possibility of divorce — reading this book will help you. But it is not a lucky rabbit’s foot, and it is not an end-all, be-all. You need someone to walk through your struggles with you, to keep you accountable to implement life changes, and to help you see deep inside your heart to root out key problems. For this, you need a biblical counselor. There is no substitute for accountability and third-party perspective, so I encourage you — yes, get this book and read it. But don’t stop there. Seek out a godly biblical counselor in your area who can walk alongside you.
I do caution you on one particular weakness that I find in the book. Throughout his teaching, he uses the language of “need” — “A wife has one driving need — to feel loved. … A husband has one driving need—to feel respected.” While it is true that each of us strongly desire these things, and while it is true that God desires us to give each other these things, they are not “needs.” Needs are something we cannot live without. Needs lead to demands, to “rights.” None of us, biblically, can demand love or respect from another. Christ Himself did not demand respect, but suffered through much rejection. Therefore, I always encourage readers of this book to substitute the words “strong desire” in their minds whenever Eggerichs uses the word “need.”
In spite of this weakness, there are many valuable truths and application points in this book. Get it, study it, and apply it. Go to the website and download the video conference (love and respect downloads) My church went through the conference together on Sunday evenings, and it was a wonderful time of challenge and enrichment. Pay special attention to perhaps the most important chapter in all of Eggerichs’ teaching: chapter 23, “The real reason to love and respect.” As Eggerichs states, “unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded.” This is a biblical promise.
I do want to say that if your marriage is in serious trouble — you consistently have arguments you cannot reconcile between the two of you, you are living distant and separate lives, you contemplate the possibility of divorce — reading this book will help you. But it is not a lucky rabbit’s foot, and it is not an end-all, be-all. You need someone to walk through your struggles with you, to keep you accountable to implement life changes, and to help you see deep inside your heart to root out key problems. For this, you need a biblical counselor. There is no substitute for accountability and third-party perspective, so I encourage you — yes, get this book and read it. But don’t stop there. Seek out a godly biblical counselor in your area who can walk alongside you.
