From the Book Shelf ~ Loss and Grief

A required reading in a biblical counseling Bereavement course that I'm taking this month is All Our Losses All Our Griefs by Kenneth Mitchell and Herbert Anderson. It's one of those books that I wish I had read many years ago. It would have saved me a lot of bewilderment in my grief. I had a significant loss in the past, but I didn't recognize my feelings as grief, and it took me many years to move on. Had I recognized it for what it was, the time of grieving could have been lessened.

The book considers six types of losses that have significant influence on our lives: loss of relationship, material loss, functional loss, loss of social/familial role, systemic loss (loss of that part someone plays in a group rather than the person himself), and intrapsychic loss (death of a hope/dream/purpose/perception of oneself).

All of these losses cause us to grieve to some extent, some more than others. Grief can take on a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, or isolation and can be a sense of loss of self. Recognizing our feelings as grief is essential to being able to move forward. The authors also make the point that administration of calming medication tends to suppress the pain and its necessary expression, which often results in longer, more intense grief. The sooner grieving can begin, the less intense and lengthy it may be.

The authors emphasize the personal ministry of caring, that the Christian community is the primary source of comfort as they care for the grievers. Significant loss can often cause us to question God's goodness in our suffering, and those who come alongside, through their benevolence and words of care, bring comfort and acknowledgement of the faithfulness and goodness of God that brings hope to the bereaved to move forward in life.

Some of the book goes into some psychological explanations of the origin of loss and grief that may not be necessary to understand or agree with; however, the book has great value beyond that, and I highly recommend it. You may find yourself somewhere in the book as I did. I've ordered three more copies for family members. I know it will help them to understand their feelings a little more and strengthen their faith when they face their own times of significant loss.

It Makes Space for Remembrance

Freedom to grieve intensively from the onset of loss
is what makes space later
for a remembrance of Christ's suffering
and a reaffirmation of the loving will of God
that seemed so strange
when the pains of grief were so acute.

~ from All Our Losses, All Our Griefs by Kenneth Mitchell and Herbert Anderson

Image ~ On the Seashore, 1879

Hanus Knochel, 1850-1927

public domain via Wikimedia Commons

On Grieving A Child's Death

Our church family is mourning the death of a precious six-month-old baby boy, lost to SIDS. The grief and hurt are deep for the dear parents, the 4-year-old brother, the grandparents, and others in the extended family who had rejoiced in his birth. Only God can bind up their broken hearts, for He is the Great Comforter.

But others of us can offer comfort by our ministry of presence. What is to be said at such heartbreak? I believe the less said the better this early in the bereavement. Just being there tomorrow at the visitation, without knowing what to say, without saying much except to express the sorrow we feel for the loss that has overshadowed their lives. And to let them know that they are in our prayers.

I'm reminded of Job and his friends, of how they were a comfort to him the few days they just sat with him and said nothing. After they began to fill the air with words, he called then "miserable comforters."

When we've not experienced such heartbreaking loss, it's often difficult to know how to comfort someone who grieves. We can be advised on what may be helpful and not helpful from the heart of others who have walked through that valley. In her article What My Son's Death Taught Me About Grief, one mother shares her own perspective. One thing that was surprising is her advice to keep God out of the conversation. I've heard that before, that those who have a great loss (even believers) can sometimes feel betrayed by God. Reminding them that God will work good out of their loss is not a comfort at the moment. God still comforts, however, in His own way, for He knows the needs of the heart. We can rest assured of that, even though it might not be through our words. I found that mother's helpful article here.

Everyone grieves differently. For many, being reminded of God's love and care is very meaningful. It's a unique and personal expression of emotions, and so we wait for a sense of what may be helpful.

Another insightful article is here on Grieving the Death of a Child.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we have received from God. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Image ~ Liebevolle Mutter, Hans Bachmann, 1881

public domain via WikiMedia Commons

Fullness of Joy

We went to the Worship and Thanksgiving service today of a wise, godly elderly gentleman. We feel blessed to have had the privilege of getting to know him in our small group for the short months since we've moved here. We are so glad our paths crossed for even such a brief time. Sorrow for now, but we shall see him again someday, when we, too, journey Homeward.

Death, to the saints, is the door by which they enter into the enjoyment of God; the dying Christian is almost home, yet a few pangs and agonies more, and then he is come to God, in whose presence is the fullness of joy. The same day we loose from this shore, we shall be landed upon the blessed shore, where we shall see and enjoy God forevermore.

~ John Flavel, Method of Grace

Photo ~ Sunset, giani, Pixabay CC0

Understanding Bereavement

I read a book last evening that a friend lent me and came across the following. We've had several people in our church family lose loved ones to death the last few months. This helps me to pray more specifically for them in their bereavement.

"Understanding Bereavement"

Christians who have the hope of eternal life can be confident that they will spend eternity with their Christian loved ones. That is an incredible source of strength and comfort. Even so, this hope does not eliminate the pain and grief of the present moment.

When Pastor Rick Taylor's young son Kyle died, there came a time when he spoke these touching words from his heart: "Kyle is dead. He is gone. I will never see my precious son grow up. I will never throw the football with him again. I will never again help him learn how to grip a bat or clap for joy because he hit a ball. I will never again sit by his side and read to him at bedtime. I will never again go for walks with him and hear him growing up as he talks with me. I will never see the man he would have become."

The same kinds of feelings are present when a spouse dies. "The day-to-day reality faced by the widow is that she will never again be held by her husband in this life. They will never again hold hands as they take strolls under autumn skies. They will never again joke and laugh or hurt and cry together. They will never again watch the sunset together. They will never again lie beside each other in bed and talk together and love together."

This is the pain of bereavement. It is not just the fact that someone has died. It is the fact that in this world we will never again do the most precious and dear things with the person who has died. It is a hurt that wounds the heart like no other hurt.

from The Undiscovered Country:
Exploring the Wonder of Heaven and the Afterlife 

by Ron Rhodes