A High Honor

It is a high honor for a woman to be chosen from among all womankind

to be the wife of a good and true man.

~ J.R. Miller in Family

Image ~ Midsummer Night, Daniel Ridgway Knight

1839-1924, public domain, Wikimedia

The Love Affair With Romance

A Day of Romance

But often a marriage misconception

Today can be a fun day, but for many it's a day of disillusion and disappointment, with or without that special someone. When there is a special someone, it can be more disappointing because of expectations borne out of our culture's love affair with romance itself. And a misconception of what real love is.

Why acts of romance cannot be the basis for a healthy marriage relationship is the discussion in Paul Tripp's marriage conference: What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. The first two sessions are available for viewing today on Tripp's website. Just click on the image to go there. I'm not sure how long they will be offered.

The conference is also on DVD with a discussion guide. My Beloved and I have worked through it, as well as using it in our SS class a few years ago. Many in the class were astonished that they hadn't heard this type of teaching on marriage before, and for many, many years we had not either. There is no psychobabble in it. It is filled with biblical truth and principle.

I don't care for going out to dinner on Valentine's Day, so I'm going to fix a dinner that My Beloved especially likes. Then we're going to watch these sessions once again that Paul Tripp is offering. Review and Refresh. And Recommit.

Fifty Shades of Grey ~ Rather, 50 Shades of Lies

The topic came up a few days ago at church, and I read a blog post by Dannah Gresh (author of Lies Young Women Believe) this morning on truewoman.com saying, basically, the same thing. From what I've heard and read, the movie Fifty Shades of Grey is one of those movies you'll probably regret seeing if you do. It comes out on Valentine's Day, touted as a romantic story, but critics say it glamorizes and perpetuates violence against women and is filled with pornography. Its images will cripple your relationships.

It apparently has become "a global sensation," beginning with the book series, but there's currently a social media campaign called #50dollarsnot50shades against the movie, asking people to donate $50 to a battered women’s shelter instead of going to see the movie.

Dr. Gail Dines, professor at Wheelock College in Boston and the founder of Stop Porn Culture, an organization aimed at raising awareness about the harms of pornography, says this about the movie,

“I meet women who married ‘Christian Grey’. They are on the run for their lives. They are living in battered women’s shelters. They’ve got two teeth knocked out, cigarette burns up and down their arm and traumatized kids in tow.”
          – Dr. Gail Dines, author of 'Pornland: How the Porn Industry Has Hijacked Our Sexuality'

God created us as sexual beings and intended sex to be a beautiful experience between husband and wife, an expression of pleasure far beyond the physical. The Enemy of all things good seeks whom and what he may devour, and his intent is to destroy anything that reflects the goodness of God. Satan strategizes against our experiencing the fullness of who we were created to be. Shades of Grey is part of his arsenal.

Resist. 

Painting ~ A Lady in Gray 1859, Daniel Macnee 1821-1895
Wiki Commons public domain

It's Not About Either of Them

Off for the Honeymoon, Frederick Morgan

The purpose of woman helping man isn’t about exalting the man. It’s really not about him (or her) at all. Her help contributes to the both of them achieving a greater, nobler eternal purpose that is far bigger and more significant than their own existence. She labors and serves alongside him for the same purpose for which he labors and serves. And what is that? The glory of God. Woman helps man achieve the purpose of exalting and displaying the jaw-dropping magnificence of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

~ Mary Kassian in True Woman 101: Divine Design

Painting ~ Off for the Honeymoon, Frederick Morgan c1900
Wiki Commons public domain

Thoughts on Love and Change

My daughter Elizabeth is a family counselor at their church, and not long ago after her husband presented a sermon on biblical love, he invited her to come up and discuss some issues with him from a counselor's perspective. I thought I'd share that discussion with you today.


What do relationships look like when the individuals are expressing jealousy and arrogance instead of biblical love?
As you said, biblical love makes the benefit of the other person its top priority. Jealousy makes the benefit of myself top priority, so much so that I resent the benefit of the other. This can definitely happen in a marriage gone awry, where there is so much resentment over past hurts built up that the spouses actually begin to wish for harm to come on the other. “I wish they would die, then I would be free to marry someone else.”

It can also happen in parent-child relationships when, for example, a mother is so jealous of her daughter’s youth or talents that she begins to resent her daughter. This will drive her to behave in ways that tear her daughter down (name-calling, mocking, degrading remarks, over-control, etc).

I’ve counseled others in roommate situations where there is an underlying coldness between the two because of one’s jealousy, so much so that it drove the jealous roommate into an eating disorder. “I’ve got to be skinnier than her, prettier than her, smarter than her...”

Arrogance in a relationship says “I’m not the one with the problem; you are. If you wouldn’t do ____ then we’d be OK.” Arrogance makes people completely blind to their own faults and focuses on the faults of the other. Arrogant people are very good at naming the sins of the other and being strangely silent in regards to their own.

This happens all the time in couples that I’ve counseled. When discussing a certain issue, one spouse says “We argued because George raised his voice,” or “If Sally hadn’t disrespected me, I wouldn’t have slapped her.” Or even, “It’s your fault we’re in counseling — you’re the one with the problem. If you hadn’t had _____, we wouldn’t need this.” It also happens in parent-child relationships where the parent is convinced the reason the child is disrespectful is because of the child — “I’m doing everything I can for this child, and this is how they treat me?” — when often there are underlying issues that place responsibility on the parent.


Paint a picture for us of a relationship involving self-seeking, irritation, or record keeping.
It’s a classic picture — in the heart of an argument, things that were done years ago are brought up in an effort to get in that last verbal punch. Wives who come to counseling with a tablet tracking each incident in which her husband has mistreated her. Brothers and sisters refusing to speak to each other because of a past argument. This is record-keeping.

I’ve worked with counselees who are habitually irritated. One who wanted her roommates to conform to her desires, to cater to her preferences. She wanted them to be quiet when she got home from work, to leave her alone for a quiet dinner or coffee break, to be meticulous about household chores. Or the husband who is short-fused when he comes home after work because his children won’t let him alone to watch TV or read the paper, or the house is a wreck, or the baby needs changed.


How would you as a counselor enable someone to see this in their own life?
I always have people journal. The journal is my main tool for helping people identify problem areas in their life and heart. I ask them to make a note on a sheet of paper every time they experience a negative emotion — anger, irritation, depression, sadness, anxiety, worry, fear, dislike, whatever. Then I ask them to answer a few questions about each scenario:
What was the situation? What happened?
What was I thinking about during the situation?
What was I feeling? What emotions was I experiencing?
What did I do/what was my behavior?
And, most importantly, What did I want? What did I desire or crave? What did I think I needed?

As we review these journals weekly, we begin to see patterns in a person’s life, and it becomes apparent to both of us where ungodliness resides and where their problem spots are.


Since being unloving is so ugly and obvious to people around us, why do we act unlovingly towards others? After everyone has heard my sermon today, why would we not all just go home and start loving one another?

Because of that last question I described when explaining the journal. When it comes down to it, we want, desire, or crave something more than we want to honor God. We desire that thing so badly that we will do whatever it takes — unloving or not, sinful or not — in order to get it. We call these “ruling desires.” Often in the case of the jealous person, that ruling desire is for the praise of others, or affirmation. This is tied to the concept of identity — do I seek after the cultural ideal? Do I believe I am entitled to the things culture tells me I am? Or do I see myself through a biblical lens?

For the arrogant person, the ruling desire is often control — or “the need to be right.” For the person who keeps records of wrongs, the ruling desire is likely safety and security: “I won’t feel secure until you prove yourself 100%, and since I am entitled to feel secure, I won’t make myself vulnerable to you until you straighten up.” For the irritated person, that desire is likely comfort and ease — “I want life to be easy, and when you make it difficult, I get upset.”

We all want something, and it is this heart desire that drives us. It is why we do what we do. If I truly and genuinely desire to please God and sacrifice my own cravings, I will live in godliness and will live out biblical love. If, however, I am unwilling to give up my craving, I will always put it above obedience to God.


How can we see tangible change in our relationships?
Well, it’s not to simply resolve to do better, to be more loving, to change our ways. We have to start with our hearts — at the level where our ruling desire dwells. When we understand that the reason we do what we do is because of unruly desires running amok in our hearts, we understand that change must begin with repentance. Put simply, we are sinners in need of a Savior. Will we admit that? Will we admit that we want something more than we want to obey God, and that this is therefore sin? Will we, as James puts it, “grieve, mourn, and wail” over these sins in true repentance? Then, will we identify tangible, practical ways that we can “put off” the old ways and “put on” the godly ways? Will we do the work of rehabituating ourselves? I often take counselees back to their journals to help them flesh this out. We look at old, ungodly ways of thinking and behaving and then we look at replacement biblical thoughts and replacement biblical behaviors. We then develop action plans to help them live out these new thoughts and behaviors.

Change is not quick, and change is not easy, but it’s the process of sanctification — growing in grace, and daily becoming more like Christ.

Painting ~ Das Stelldichein 1903, Carl Schweinger 1854-1903
Wikimedia public domain

Marriage As A Picture

June is the month for weddings as young men graduate from college and are ready to take a wife. I attended another wedding over the weekend, and as I mentioned before, I’m always interested in hearing the young couple’s vows as they promise their lives to one another. The wedding vows of a Christian couple are always beautiful to behold. Leadership coupled with submission are God’s way of blessing a marriage.

The pastor reminded us all that a young woman is under the protection of her father until he passes that responsibility on to her husband when he gives her hand in marriage. The pastor also reminded us that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they become one flesh.

And so I began to consider what picture my own marriage is showing. Am I blurring the picture, or is it a picture of true reflection of Christ and the Church? And what picture am I showing to an unbelieving world so that God’s Word is not brought dishonor?

Today is our 42nd anniversary. Our marriage hasn't always been the picture it should be, but by God's grace it's coming more and more into focus.


The photo is our hands taken at our wedding 42 years ago today. A lot more than our hands have changed.

Submission ~ Key to A Contented Home

Saturday we attended the daughter’s wedding of a dear long-time friend. (How quickly children grow up and leave home to make their own home!) As the ceremony progressed, my thoughts went back to my own wedding and the vows my husband and I exchanged some 42 years ago (next week!). I’m always eager to hear the wedding vows of a new bride and groom. He promised to love, cherish, and lead; she promised to love, cherish, and submit to his leadership. The submissive aspect is where women who truly understand God’s design for marriage begin a journey that is both challenging and rewarding.

Our culture doesn’t understand that. By and large, there’s a misunderstanding as to what submission is. Titus 2 speaks of encouraging the younger women (and we older women need the encouragement as well) to be submissive to their own husbands. It isn’t that the man is smarter or better in any way. It’s simply a way of providing orderliness and leadership. Every entity needs leadership, and God gave the man that position in the family. He knows how marriage functions best.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

This Mort Kunstler print of Jackson and Lee is hanging in my daughter Laura’s room (the bedroom she had here at home before she was married). She was once a Civil War enthusiast, and this print was purchased as a high school graduation gift. It helps me understand the concept of submission—General Stonewall Jackson in submission to General Robert E. Lee.

The Biblical word for submission is a military term, hupatasso, meaning “to arrange in order under.” General Jackson was under General Lee in military order. General Lee was not smarter or better than General Jackson. In fact, when Jackson lost his arm from friendly fire shortly before his death, Lee was reported to have said, “Jackson has lost his left arm, and I have lost my right arm.” Stonewall was invaluable to Lee. Stonewall was a remarkable military strategist, and Lee depended on him for analysis and advice. Wives are just as invaluable to their husbands.

Leadership and submission is God’s design for marriage to picture the relationship of Christ and and the Church. It's the design for an effective home in living out the gospel and making it believable to a skeptical world.

Saturday’s young newlywed couple understand that. Congratulations, Autumn and Jason!

Painting ~ Signing The Register 1920, Edmund Blair Leighton 1852-1922

Wikimedia Commons public domain