My daughter Elizabeth is a family counselor at their church, and not long ago after her husband presented a sermon on biblical love, he invited her to come up and discuss some issues with him from a counselor's perspective. I thought I'd share that discussion with you today.
What do relationships look like when the individuals are expressing jealousy and arrogance instead of biblical love?
As you said, biblical love makes the benefit of the other person its top priority. Jealousy makes the benefit of myself top priority, so much so that I resent the benefit of the other. This can definitely happen in a marriage gone awry, where there is so much resentment over past hurts built up that the spouses actually begin to wish for harm to come on the other. “I wish they would die, then I would be free to marry someone else.”
It can also happen in parent-child relationships when, for example, a mother is so jealous of her daughter’s youth or talents that she begins to resent her daughter. This will drive her to behave in ways that tear her daughter down (name-calling, mocking, degrading remarks, over-control, etc).
I’ve counseled others in roommate situations where there is an underlying coldness between the two because of one’s jealousy, so much so that it drove the jealous roommate into an eating disorder. “I’ve got to be skinnier than her, prettier than her, smarter than her...”
Arrogance in a relationship says “I’m not the one with the problem; you are. If you wouldn’t do ____ then we’d be OK.” Arrogance makes people completely blind to their own faults and focuses on the faults of the other. Arrogant people are very good at naming the sins of the other and being strangely silent in regards to their own.
This happens all the time in couples that I’ve counseled. When discussing a certain issue, one spouse says “We argued because George raised his voice,” or “If Sally hadn’t disrespected me, I wouldn’t have slapped her.” Or even, “It’s your fault we’re in counseling — you’re the one with the problem. If you hadn’t had _____, we wouldn’t need this.” It also happens in parent-child relationships where the parent is convinced the reason the child is disrespectful is because of the child — “I’m doing everything I can for this child, and this is how they treat me?” — when often there are underlying issues that place responsibility on the parent.
Paint a picture for us of a relationship involving self-seeking, irritation, or record keeping.
It’s a classic picture — in the heart of an argument, things that were done years ago are brought up in an effort to get in that last verbal punch. Wives who come to counseling with a tablet tracking each incident in which her husband has mistreated her. Brothers and sisters refusing to speak to each other because of a past argument. This is record-keeping.
I’ve worked with counselees who are habitually irritated. One who wanted her roommates to conform to her desires, to cater to her preferences. She wanted them to be quiet when she got home from work, to leave her alone for a quiet dinner or coffee break, to be meticulous about household chores. Or the husband who is short-fused when he comes home after work because his children won’t let him alone to watch TV or read the paper, or the house is a wreck, or the baby needs changed.
How would you as a counselor enable someone to see this in their own life?
I always have people journal. The journal is my main tool for helping people identify problem areas in their life and heart. I ask them to make a note on a sheet of paper every time they experience a negative emotion — anger, irritation, depression, sadness, anxiety, worry, fear, dislike, whatever. Then I ask them to answer a few questions about each scenario:
What was the situation? What happened?
What was I thinking about during the situation?
What was I feeling? What emotions was I experiencing?
What did I do/what was my behavior?
And, most importantly, What did I want? What did I desire or crave? What did I think I needed?
As we review these journals weekly, we begin to see patterns in a person’s life, and it becomes apparent to both of us where ungodliness resides and where their problem spots are.
Since being unloving is so ugly and obvious to people around us, why do we act unlovingly towards others? After everyone has heard my sermon today, why would we not all just go home and start loving one another?
Because of that last question I described when explaining the journal. When it comes down to it, we want, desire, or crave something more than we want to honor God. We desire that thing so badly that we will do whatever it takes — unloving or not, sinful or not — in order to get it. We call these “ruling desires.” Often in the case of the jealous person, that ruling desire is for the praise of others, or affirmation. This is tied to the concept of identity — do I seek after the cultural ideal? Do I believe I am entitled to the things culture tells me I am? Or do I see myself through a biblical lens?
For the arrogant person, the ruling desire is often control — or “the need to be right.” For the person who keeps records of wrongs, the ruling desire is likely safety and security: “I won’t feel secure until you prove yourself 100%, and since I am entitled to feel secure, I won’t make myself vulnerable to you until you straighten up.” For the irritated person, that desire is likely comfort and ease — “I want life to be easy, and when you make it difficult, I get upset.”
We all want something, and it is this heart desire that drives us. It is why we do what we do. If I truly and genuinely desire to please God and sacrifice my own cravings, I will live in godliness and will live out biblical love. If, however, I am unwilling to give up my craving, I will always put it above obedience to God.
How can we see tangible change in our relationships?
Well, it’s not to simply resolve to do better, to be more loving, to change our ways. We have to start with our hearts — at the level where our ruling desire dwells. When we understand that the reason we do what we do is because of unruly desires running amok in our hearts, we understand that change must begin with repentance. Put simply, we are sinners in need of a Savior. Will we admit that? Will we admit that we want something more than we want to obey God, and that this is therefore sin? Will we, as James puts it, “grieve, mourn, and wail” over these sins in true repentance? Then, will we identify tangible, practical ways that we can “put off” the old ways and “put on” the godly ways? Will we do the work of rehabituating ourselves? I often take counselees back to their journals to help them flesh this out. We look at old, ungodly ways of thinking and behaving and then we look at replacement biblical thoughts and replacement biblical behaviors. We then develop action plans to help them live out these new thoughts and behaviors.
Change is not quick, and change is not easy, but it’s the process of sanctification — growing in grace, and daily becoming more like Christ.
Painting ~ Das Stelldichein 1903, Carl Schweinger 1854-1903
Wikimedia public domain
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