Loving the Difficult

Loving difficult people compassionately can drain us of emotional and physical energy. This evening I am drained. I didn't want to spend the afternoon as I did. I knew what it would be like. Yet, I am called to love others compassionately, even those who are constantly critical and complaining. Even those who try to control and manipulate. Even those whose expectations are never justified or satisfied. Relationships where the risks far outweigh the rewards wear on the soul.

Why bother? Because such a relationship sends me to Jesus to be my strength as I walk out the door. I cry out to the Holy Spirit to calm my own spirit when words are said that hurt, that annoy, that come from a self-absorbed heart. I've learned over the years that God uses such relationships to conform me to the image of His Son, which is my deepest desire. Which is worth all the effort.

Why bother? Because Jesus bothered with such people. Because He bothers with me when I am critical, and complaining, and.... And because He wants His love to flow through me. And so as I partake of His divine nature, I am to apply all diligence in my faith for perseverance, kindness, and love. For if these qualities are increasing, I become useful and fruitful (1 Peter 5). Right now, though, I'm feeling rather like a dried up prune.

Why bother? Because she said she enjoyed the afternoon. Evidence of God's grace flowing from the Divine Vine through the branch that bears the fruit.

Image ~ A Tired Seamstress, Angelo Trezzini, 1827-1904

Wikimedia Commons, public domain

It's Not Easy Being Vulnerable

Thinking about Proverbs 13:3:

The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; The one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

Mark Twain put it this way:

"It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt."

That's sometimes my own MO. As an introvert, it's easier to stay quiet. Keeps me out of some trouble, too. Speaking up is more of a challenge for me than keeping my mouth shut. I sometimes regret what I've said and think about it far too long into the night. We introverts tend to be too introspective.

But relationships aren't nurtured very well without conversation. And so I must give attention to guarding what I say, to whom I say it, and about whom I say it.

And yet, being vulnerable enough to share my sorrows and struggles without the fear of being labeled in ways I don't intend or are not motivated by. Of letting someone into my heart to see the real me.

But also being open enough to examine my own heart issues about what I say, to whom I say it, and about whom I say it.

It's not easy being vulnerable.

Painting ~ Portrait of a  Girl, Blanche Macarthur, 1870-1896
public domain, WikiGallery

Considering the Conflict

Relationships inevitably must weather conflicting opinions if they are to thrive. I'm reminding myself of that after a recent stance on policy. I deferred to the other outwardly, but inwardly I was more than a little annoyed. Why was that?

Self. Both of us had the same goal, but I didn't get to reach for the goal my way. I had to stay within policy. As I've been reflecting on the conflict, I've come to understand the other person's point of view and the policy behind it. Given the situation in which one or the other opinion was to be acted upon, I need to accept that it was the other that was for the greater good.

Self is too often a formidable foe.

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others.   - Philippians 4: 1-4

Image ~ Woman at a Sunny Window, Carl Holsoe 1863-1935

public domain, Wikimedia Commons

The Hardship of Relationships

Sharing something I read from my quiet time today. I needed this. Thinking maybe you might as well?

The hardship of relationships includes what God calls us to be and do in the middle of their difficulty. God calls us to be humble, patient, kind, persevering, and forgiving. God calls us to speak with grace and to act with love, even when the relationship lacks grace and we have not been treated with love. Because of this, your relationships will take you beyond the boundaries of your normal strength. They will take you beyond the range of your natural abilities and beyond the borders of your natural and acquired wisdom. Relationships will push you beyond the limits of your ability to love, serve, and forgive. At times they will beat at the borders of your faith. At times they will exhaust you. In certain situations, your relationships will leave you disappointed and discouraged. They will require what you do not seem to have, but that is exactly as God intended it. That is precisely why he placed these demanding relationships in the middle of the process of sanctification, where God progressively molds us into the likeness of Jesus. When you give up on yourself, you begin to rely on him. When you are willing to abandon your own little dreams, you begin to get excited about his plan. When your way has blown up in your face again, you are ready to see the wisdom of God's way.

Timothy S. Land and Paul David Tripp

in Heart of the Matter: Daily Reflections

Image ~ The Meeting 1888, Daniel Ridgway Knight 1839-1924

Growing Out of Our Infantile Ideas

Thinking about one my friends today and how I can minister to her. Her need is more than what I can do for her. I'm pondering how I can reach her with the truth of God's word and how it could revolutionize her way of thinking. Her thought patterns drag her down, and when they're expressed they tend to drag on those closest to her as well. Sad to say, she thinks a lot like a baby--wanting others to satisfy her hunger and her thirst.

God wants us to grow out of our infantile ideas. He wants us to grow into maturity, where our worldview doesn't revolve around ourselves, around what it takes to make us feel good. He wants us to move beyond requiring other people to satisfy our longings, to grow beyond viewing people around us as a means to our own end.

Craving for satisfaction leads to manipulation, and it's often difficult to know where ministry to my friend crosses the line into enabling her attempts at control. I know that enabling hinders her need to make a change in how she approaches relationships. I want to help her look beyond herself.

When we begin to understand God's sovereignty in our life, we also begin to see life in a different context. We begin to understand that we are not at the center, that God's glory is central to all our purposes. We yearn for his plan to unfold, not only in our own life, but in the lives of those with whom we have relationship. What they can do for us gets remodeled into what we can do for them.

As Susan Hunts puts it in Spiritual Mothering:

We see ourselves, our circumstances, and our relationships as a part of His divine plan. So our approach changes from "Come into my world and make me happy," to "Father, show me how to go into Your world and glorify You." The effect on a relationship is a switch from wanting you to serve me to a desire to serve God through the relationship.

I want her to experience the joy in viewing life in this way. I hope that you are experiencing this joy as well, dear one, as we keep looking Upward and Homeward.

Painting ~ Study Two Women's Heads, Pierre Auguste Renoir, 1841-1919

Weekend Daybook

Outside My Window...

Brown grass in our yard. Green grass in our neighbor's. Ours is Bermuda. Theirs isn't. Their yard looks like spring is on its way, so I glance their way out my window.

Thinking...

Missing the contrast in seasons at our lifelong home in West Virginia. Spring is always so bright and lovely there.

Thankful...

That I'm becoming more accustomed to the severe weather threats here in the south. Also thankful that our builder reinforced our closet to make it a safe place.

Noticing the sound of...

My Beloved working on the stair rails. He has the lower section complete. Our daughter fell on the stairs with the baby while they were visiting. Realized we need rails on the wall as well.

Around the house...

New pillows--a quick way to add a fresh touch.

I hope to...

Get some blinds for my sewing room today. I love the brightness with the bare windows, but don't want my fabric to fade in the bright sunlight. It's too bright to sew of the morning with the sun on that side of the house, but that does motivate me to tend to other responsibilities first. Work before play, but all work and no play makes for a dull day.

Pondering...

My mother and I were talking about heaven yesterday and thinking about people we'd see once again. We were imagining those we know gathering at the gate to welcome us in. Mom commented that she is looking forward to welcoming my special needs sister when she arrives later. No more impediments up there.

 

In the Kitchen...

Today was a good day for chicken vegetable soup. Such a rainy day.

Brought a smile...

Our niece got a new little puppy. So cute, and she adores him.

The fruit of my hands...

I made another dress to be taken on a mission trip for little girls who have meager clothing. I decided to make one for them each time I make one for my someday Etsy shop. Theirs is simpler, basically what's currently being called a pillowcase dress since the concept originally used a pillowcase. Mine is fabric from my stash. It has room for growing so it can be worn for awhile.

Learning...

To add binding to neck and armhole edges on little girl dresses. Haven't mastered it yet, but I'm getting close. Perhaps the next dress.

Re-Reading...

A brief excerpt:

[The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians. 4:17-32] identifies seven tendencies of the sinful heart that are damaging to relationships, disruptive of God's purpose, and require persistent battling. Ask yourself if any of them are evident in your relationships.

~ The tendency toward self-indulgence  (v. 19-24)

     My behavior in the relationship is driven by what I want, not God's purpose.

~ The tendency toward deceit (v. 25)

     I will manipulate the truth to get what I want out of the relationship.

~ The tendency toward anger (v. 26-27)

     I want to control the relationship by venting my anger or by holding it over you to control you.

~ The tendency toward selfishness (v. 28)

     I want to protect what I have, rather than offer it to serve you.

~ The tendency toward unhelpful communication (v. 29-30)

     Rather than use my speech to make you feel better and put you in a better position, I speak to make myself feel better and ensure that I am in the top spot.

~ The tendency toward division (v. 31)

     I give in to the temptation to view you as an adversary, rather than a companion in the struggle of relationship.

The tendency toward an unforgiving spirit (v. 32)

     I want to make others pay for their wrongs against me.     

Painting ~ Charles Gibson Dana, 1867-1944

Valentine's Day ~ Thinking About True Love

 Image ~ ElisaRiva via pixabay CC0 Creative Commons

Valentine's Day — an opportunity to think about what love really is. I don't mean the chocolate-flowers-gooshy-mooshy-sweet-nothings-in-your-ear-in-love-with-love sort of stuff. I'm talking about true, self-giving, God-given love. Love for any relationship. Love for whether or not we're loved back in the same way.

I saw this list from Paul David Tripp that I want to share with you on this Thinking-of-Love Day. I have some things that I need to change about my love. Thought maybe that you might, too.

Here's the word from Paul. . . .

Every healthy relationship requires love and sacrifice, so if you're a parent, child, sibling, neighbor, pastor, or co-worker, this list is for you. God bless you in your relationships, and may the Holy Spirit empower you to love with a love that is not your own.

23 Things That Love Is

1. LOVE IS... being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of others without impatience or anger.
2. LOVE IS... actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward another while looking for ways to encourage and praise.
3. LOVE IS... making a daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.
4. LOVE IS... being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding.
5. LOVE IS... being more committed to unity and understanding than you are to winning, accusing, or being right.
6. LOVE IS... making a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer an excuse or shift the blame.
7. LOVE IS... being willing, when confronted by another, to examine your heart rather than rising to your defense or shifting the focus.
8. LOVE IS... making a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to another is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient.
9. LOVE IS... being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged, but looking for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good.
10. LOVE IS... being a good student of another, looking for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support them as they carry it, or encourage them along the way.
11. LOVE IS... being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the relational problems you face, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed upon a strategy of response.
12. LOVE IS... being willing to always ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested.
13. LOVE IS... recognizing the high value of trust in a relationship and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.
14. LOVE IS... speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack the other person’s character or assault their intelligence.
15. LOVE IS... being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-opt the other person into giving you what you want or doing something your way.
16. LOVE IS... being unwilling to ask another person to be the source of your identity, meaning, and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of theirs.
17. LOVE IS... the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a spouse, parent, neighbor, etc.
18. LOVE IS... a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your relationships.
19. LOVE IS... staying faithful to your commitment to treat another with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when the other person doesn’t seem deserving or is unwilling to reciprocate.
20. LOVE IS... the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of a relationship without asking for anything in return or using your sacrifices to place the other person in your debt.
21. LOVE IS... being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm a relationship, hurt the other person, or weaken the bond of trust between you.
22. LOVE IS... refusing to be self-focused or demanding, but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
23. LOVE IS... daily admitting to yourself, the other person, and God that you are unable to be driven by a cruciform love without God’s protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.

Technology ~ The Illusion of Intimacy

I'm currently reading a book entitled Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam S. McHugh. Whether introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in-between, we would all do well to be aware that our use of social networking tends to replace real-life relationships, leaving us relationally malnourished.

"Technology allures us with the illusion of intimacy but not the reality of it. We may be regularly communicating with others and yet painfully alone. Shane Hipps, author of The Hidden Power of Electronic Culture, says that "if your relationships are comprised of a disproportionate amount of mediated communication you will be relationally, spiritually, and emotionally malnourished." Technology can become for us a hiding place, a drug we take to escape from our negative emotions and experiences. It can expose the shadow side of our imaginations, taking us into a nameless fantasy world where we can feed our addictions, all the while aggravating our sense of isolation from others, God, and even ourselves. We must become aware of these traps of modern technology and use its immense benefits without letting it overpower us."

How much better to have a friend over for that afternoon cup of tea and a live chat, or meet at a local coffee shop or tea room with a group of friends. Look each other in the eyes and feel one another's emotions, hopes, joys, struggles. Be one another's encouragement in a culture that's noisy and disconnected and lonely. Then hug each other goodbye and keep them in your mind's eye for several days to come. That's real connection, folks. And if the electricity goes off, you can even do without the tea or coffee.

Photograph by Eric Kamp, AllPosters.com